Mother’s Day without Mom

I’ve been trying to think of ways to address the topic, and I still don’t know if there is a “good” way…so I’ll just let it out the best I can.

Every year on Mother’s Day some of us are faced with the difficult task of celebrating Mother’s when ours is no longer here. Whether she has been gone for one year or thirty, you don’t stop missing her.

My mother passed away when I was two years old of Brain Cancer. June 17 1994 was the day she slipped away. Being as I was so young, I do not remember a single thing about her. I spent my whole life wishing I could remember something…anything about her. It’s difficult when everyone tells me how much I look and act like her and not know enough to agree or disagree.

Growing up without her affected me more than even I think it maybe should have. Then again that may be due to the fact that some people feel that having no memories of someone means you shouldn’t care or think about them at all. One person in particular (I’ll keep out names) hated that I thought so much about my mom. She even made a comment to me once in my teen years…”You didn’t know her, why does it bother you so much”….

Well let me tell you why it bothers me…I feel cheated…I feel like the most influential person in any persons life is their mother and mine was taken from me…Taken from me before I even got to know her. It bothers me because I don’t have and never will have memories of her. I don’t know the sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume, the sound of her approaching footsteps. All I have is memories collected from photographs, keepsakes and other family members.

I’ve lost many people in my 25 years on this earth, grief and sorrow are not new to me. When I was 16 my grandpa passed away and I still don’t know how I survived that loss. But it felt/feels different…I have memories with him. I can take some comfort in the fact that he lived a long life.

My mom was 25 when she died, the same age I am now. She had a husband and 3 young kids. She had only just started her life…she missed out on her kids growing up…she won’t get to see her grandchildren. She won’t get to grown old with the love of her life…There is no comfort in that…

I hate the expression “You can’t miss what you never had…” Believe me, you can….

Growing up no one talked about my mom. My dad remarried and I guess everyone knew it bothered my stepmom. So we all just kept thoughts of her bottled up. When I was about 7 or 8 I made the mistake of asking my grandma what she was like. After hearing the crack in her voice I decided I would not do that again.

I struggle everyday thinking of everything she has missed and will be absent from in future.

She was not there for my high school dances to help me get ready, I wasn’t able to give her a rose at my graduation, she couldn’t help me move into my college dorm. She won’t be there on my wedding day, she will never hold her grandchildren or watch them grow.

My loss is no greater or worse than anyone else’s, I just want others in similar situations to know that they are not alone. And that we grieve just like anyone else.

All I can do is hope that my mom is looking down on us and that she knows just how much she is loved and missed.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mothers whether they be on Earth or in Heaven.

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50 Facts About Me

  1. Super Introverted
  2. Collect Books
  3. Have 3 siblings, two brothers, one sister
  4. Mom passed away of brain cancer just after my second birthday.
  5. Obsessed with watching documentaries
  6. Favorite books to read are historical fiction
  7. Extremely interested in British History.
  8. Favorite book to movie adaptation is “American Sniper” with Bradley Cooper playing as Chris Kyle a Navy Seal who was killed by a former Marine who he was trying to help work through his PTSD.
  9. I have a freckle on my eye…or what is called “Chorodial nevus” Image result for choroidal nevus
  10. Favorite scents; Lilac, Hyacinth and anything “fall” scented
  11. When I was a child I wanted to be… a chef, veterinarian or an Archaeologist
  12. Favorite TV show- Downton Abbey
  13. Biggest Fear- Spiders and never finding someone to spend my life with.
  14. Never done drugs…Never will
  15. Frequently have nightmares with Tornadoes and Sharks.
  16. I have 2 dog
    1. Aurora- Female Red Merle Australian Shepherd
    2. Aspen- Male Chorkie (Chihuahua and Yorkie Mix)
  17. Foods I do not like…. Mint flavored anything, Chocolate, Bacon…sorry 99.9% of the population
  18. Do not like shopping… at all.
  19. Never carry a purse
  20. Don’t drink soda but I do like Iced Sweet Tea on occasion
  21. Biggest Pet peeves; Interrupting people, “One-Uppers,” nose & mouth noises (sniffling, slurping, lip smacking, etc)
  22. Very socially awkward…Socially Awkward Penguin - Discover Socially Awkward Penguin Find comfort knowing ur not alone:
  23. Profession: 911 Dispatcher
  24. 90’s Country is my favorite music to listen to
  25. I hate #hashtags…I don’t use Twitter for that reason
  26. Watching the news gives me serious rage issues
  27. I’d choose the mountains over the beach any day
  28. Hate crowds
  29. Christmas is my favorite holiday
  30. I’m a hopeless romantic yet I have no clue how to work a relationship. Beautiful quote ❤️ www.kaylaitsines.com/app:
  31. I have MASSIVE trust issues
  32. Nicknames
    1. Bear- apparently due to my “attitude”
    2. Mer-Mer- because my nephew couldn’t say Amber
    3. Amberger- My dad has always called me this, no idea why
  33. I’m OBSESSED with traveling
  34. Current vehicle- 96 GMC SierraImage result for 1996 GMC Sierra
  35. I’d love to learn how to play the piano
  36. Want to learn a second language. Studied Spanish in high school but couldn’t get into it.
  37. I actually like to drink water, it’s basically all I drink.
  38. I HATE how “weddings” have become more of a priority than the marriage itself.
  39. I used to use Sims to create my “ideal life”
  40. Blood type is O+
  41. Hate reality shows…
  42. Would love to one day own and run my own Bed and Breakfast or Inn
  43. I cry when I am really frustrated or passionate about something…drives me batshit crazy.
  44. LOVE Thunderstorms
  45. When watching TV I have to be doing something with my hands. It’s usually scrolling through Pinterest on my phone.
  46. Notorious for not responding to texts, or typing a response and not sending it.
  47. I believe everyone needs to work in retail and food service so they know how they should treat people.
  48. I sing along to the radio when I drive
  49. Prefer to have the windows down than the AC on. House or Truck. Ironic since my first 3 cars didn’t have working AC.
  50. Autumn is my favorite season.Autumn Cozy : Photo:

Writing Prompt: Current Relationship Status…

Oh how I just love talking about my non existent love life…. Well here goes let’s talk about relationships… of which I have none. At 25 years of age I can honestly say I’ve never been in a “real relationship.”

At the moment I’m talking to a guy, who I’ve been talking to on and off for about 6 years. As much as I hate when people say “it’s complicated…” well… it’s complicated…

I care a good deal for him. While things between us are better than they’ve ever been, he always seems to find a way to make me walk away. I wish I could say that the problems have been resolved…improved slightly… but not resolved. What can I say maybe I’m delusional…Maybe I want for it to work so badly that I keep making excuses and forgiving too easily.

We are a lot alike he and I. Which is why it’s understandable that I get so frustrated with him. We are both guarded, with reinforced walls keeping people from getting too close…seeing too much. The difference being I’m ready for commitment, I don’t want games, I want to find someone to make a life with.

I think commitment scares him…hell it scares me too.

He recently told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he didn’t want me to have to deal with him when he’s “broken.” Referring to certain issues he is dealing with in his life. If that statement is true then it’s incredibly sweet…but also frustrating. There will always be something in our lives we are dealing with, something that could be used as an excuse.

Now I’ve known him a while and I know he is dealing with a few things…but so am I…so is everyone…

I can see that he knows he needs to make changes but there’s something holding him back. Fear of leaving a job to find one he’s passionate about. Fear of disappointing people. He’s trying to pay off a debt which he uses as a reason for putting off going back to school.

He won’t say it but he definitely struggles with low self-esteem and I believe depression. He often tells me he’s a horrible person and argues when I tell him otherwise. He can’t forgive himself for mistakes he’s made and he’s too harsh on himself.

I can only hope that I can help him overcome his demons. After six years of getting to know him and forming an attachment I can’t imagine just calling it quits. But if something doesn’t give I’m afraid I will have to move on. I sincerely hope that doesn’t have to happen.

So there you have it…I know that if this was someone else’s story I would be internally screaming at her to move on with her life…I’d tell her if he’s not fighting to keep you then it’s time to find someone who will.