Saying Good Riddance…

If you are anything like me then you know how hard it is to cut people out of your life, even if said people have been horrible to you.

Well, in the past week I’ve said goodbyes to two separate people. One was slightly harder than the other but both were difficult in their own ways.

The first was a guy I had started talking to online only really due to the fact that I knew his older brother. He himself was a couple years younger than me and I didn’t really see anything coming of the initial conversation other than possibly friendship.

We decided to meet up one night and just hang out, and I was thrown off by how sweet he was at the beginning. He seemed genuinely interested in me and my life. He was always asking questions and wanted to know to get to know me, which was definitely not something I was used to from guys. After that first night things sort of just took off.

The two of us spent quite a lot of time together, he would come over to my house and I would drive into town and we would drive around. I had (much to my surprise) really started to like him.

That’s of course when things started to unwind. He slowly became a little more distant, not texting as much and not wanting to hang out. And without any warning or reason why he just stopped talking to me all together….story of my life.

Like always I went through the phases of sadness, and anger. Then finally I picked myself up and did my best to forget and move on. A couple of months passed and he messaged me out of the blue. It’s also important that you know I had deleted him from Facebook so I was surprised to get a message from him on there.

He started talking about “old times” and not even a day passed before he decided to take the conversation to a completely inappropriate place…especially considering he was now in a relationship with someone else. He constantly wanted me to send him pictures and asked what I was wearing. Then of course it got even more inappropriate… I’ll leave it at that.

I sort of gently told him that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him that way since he had a girlfriend. So he lost interest and stopped talking to me…

Over the past year we had a handful of conversations all going about the same way. The most recent being this past week. When I finally told him I was no longer going to be the “spare girl” which guys just keep around for when they are lonely and horny.

I decided that the only way to solve the problem was to cut him out of my life completely, so I told him that. I told him that what he was doing was wrong and I no longer wanted to be a part of it, that I felt sorry for his girlfriend that he was talking to other girls that way…And then I blocked him…before he could even respond. I did this because I knew if I didn’t he would come up with something elaborate to keep me around.

So that’s numero uno.

The second person I have written about before. We have talked on and off for 6 years. When we are together in person it’s great or at least seems that way. But I seemed to be the only one interested in making it work. I would drive to see him, I would start the conversations and keep them going.

He always said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he was not stable enough for  a relationship or he wasn’t financially stable enough.

After hearing all his excuses for 6 years I decided if someone actually cares about you as much as he said he did then they would MAKE IT WORK… It wouldn’t matter what the circumstances are, they would fight for you…

I told him this….And all he could say was “Well I do care about you, I don’t want this to be the end but if you ever need anything let me know…” The emptiest “kind words” I had ever heard. There was no fight…

Me leaving didn’t shatter him…to be honest I don’t think it even phased him.

I could tell you in great detail all that happened in this “relationship” but quite frankly it’s exhausting.

Long story short… I cared about him..Deeply. I think I may have even loved him. But I realized that he didn’t feel the same and I was nothing more than a listening ear to him…

I’ve cried my tears, I’ve mourned the loss and now it’s time to move on.

 

I honestly don’t know where the strength came from to cut these people out of my life with such finality. I can only say that I’m proud of myself, I’ve finally made myself a priority… I can only hope that other girls do the same.

 

 

 

 

 

Mother’s Day without Mom

I’ve been trying to think of ways to address the topic, and I still don’t know if there is a “good” way…so I’ll just let it out the best I can.

Every year on Mother’s Day some of us are faced with the difficult task of celebrating Mother’s when ours is no longer here. Whether she has been gone for one year or thirty, you don’t stop missing her.

My mother passed away when I was two years old of Brain Cancer. June 17 1994 was the day she slipped away. Being as I was so young, I do not remember a single thing about her. I spent my whole life wishing I could remember something…anything about her. It’s difficult when everyone tells me how much I look and act like her and not know enough to agree or disagree.

Growing up without her affected me more than even I think it maybe should have. Then again that may be due to the fact that some people feel that having no memories of someone means you shouldn’t care or think about them at all. One person in particular (I’ll keep out names) hated that I thought so much about my mom. She even made a comment to me once in my teen years…”You didn’t know her, why does it bother you so much”….

Well let me tell you why it bothers me…I feel cheated…I feel like the most influential person in any persons life is their mother and mine was taken from me…Taken from me before I even got to know her. It bothers me because I don’t have and never will have memories of her. I don’t know the sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume, the sound of her approaching footsteps. All I have is memories collected from photographs, keepsakes and other family members.

I’ve lost many people in my 25 years on this earth, grief and sorrow are not new to me. When I was 16 my grandpa passed away and I still don’t know how I survived that loss. But it felt/feels different…I have memories with him. I can take some comfort in the fact that he lived a long life.

My mom was 25 when she died, the same age I am now. She had a husband and 3 young kids. She had only just started her life…she missed out on her kids growing up…she won’t get to see her grandchildren. She won’t get to grown old with the love of her life…There is no comfort in that…

I hate the expression “You can’t miss what you never had…” Believe me, you can….

Growing up no one talked about my mom. My dad remarried and I guess everyone knew it bothered my stepmom. So we all just kept thoughts of her bottled up. When I was about 7 or 8 I made the mistake of asking my grandma what she was like. After hearing the crack in her voice I decided I would not do that again.

I struggle everyday thinking of everything she has missed and will be absent from in future.

She was not there for my high school dances to help me get ready, I wasn’t able to give her a rose at my graduation, she couldn’t help me move into my college dorm. She won’t be there on my wedding day, she will never hold her grandchildren or watch them grow.

My loss is no greater or worse than anyone else’s, I just want others in similar situations to know that they are not alone. And that we grieve just like anyone else.

All I can do is hope that my mom is looking down on us and that she knows just how much she is loved and missed.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mothers whether they be on Earth or in Heaven.

50 Facts About Me

  1. Super Introverted
  2. Collect Books
  3. Have 3 siblings, two brothers, one sister
  4. Mom passed away of brain cancer just after my second birthday.
  5. Obsessed with watching documentaries
  6. Favorite books to read are historical fiction
  7. Extremely interested in British History.
  8. Favorite book to movie adaptation is “American Sniper” with Bradley Cooper playing as Chris Kyle a Navy Seal who was killed by a former Marine who he was trying to help work through his PTSD.
  9. I have a freckle on my eye…or what is called “Chorodial nevus” Image result for choroidal nevus
  10. Favorite scents; Lilac, Hyacinth and anything “fall” scented
  11. When I was a child I wanted to be… a chef, veterinarian or an Archaeologist
  12. Favorite TV show- Downton Abbey
  13. Biggest Fear- Spiders and never finding someone to spend my life with.
  14. Never done drugs…Never will
  15. Frequently have nightmares with Tornadoes and Sharks.
  16. I have 2 dog
    1. Aurora- Female Red Merle Australian Shepherd
    2. Aspen- Male Chorkie (Chihuahua and Yorkie Mix)
  17. Foods I do not like…. Mint flavored anything, Chocolate, Bacon…sorry 99.9% of the population
  18. Do not like shopping… at all.
  19. Never carry a purse
  20. Don’t drink soda but I do like Iced Sweet Tea on occasion
  21. Biggest Pet peeves; Interrupting people, “One-Uppers,” nose & mouth noises (sniffling, slurping, lip smacking, etc)
  22. Very socially awkward…Socially Awkward Penguin - Discover Socially Awkward Penguin Find comfort knowing ur not alone:
  23. Profession: 911 Dispatcher
  24. 90’s Country is my favorite music to listen to
  25. I hate #hashtags…I don’t use Twitter for that reason
  26. Watching the news gives me serious rage issues
  27. I’d choose the mountains over the beach any day
  28. Hate crowds
  29. Christmas is my favorite holiday
  30. I’m a hopeless romantic yet I have no clue how to work a relationship. Beautiful quote ❤️ www.kaylaitsines.com/app:
  31. I have MASSIVE trust issues
  32. Nicknames
    1. Bear- apparently due to my “attitude”
    2. Mer-Mer- because my nephew couldn’t say Amber
    3. Amberger- My dad has always called me this, no idea why
  33. I’m OBSESSED with traveling
  34. Current vehicle- 96 GMC SierraImage result for 1996 GMC Sierra
  35. I’d love to learn how to play the piano
  36. Want to learn a second language. Studied Spanish in high school but couldn’t get into it.
  37. I actually like to drink water, it’s basically all I drink.
  38. I HATE how “weddings” have become more of a priority than the marriage itself.
  39. I used to use Sims to create my “ideal life”
  40. Blood type is O+
  41. Hate reality shows…
  42. Would love to one day own and run my own Bed and Breakfast or Inn
  43. I cry when I am really frustrated or passionate about something…drives me batshit crazy.
  44. LOVE Thunderstorms
  45. When watching TV I have to be doing something with my hands. It’s usually scrolling through Pinterest on my phone.
  46. Notorious for not responding to texts, or typing a response and not sending it.
  47. I believe everyone needs to work in retail and food service so they know how they should treat people.
  48. I sing along to the radio when I drive
  49. Prefer to have the windows down than the AC on. House or Truck. Ironic since my first 3 cars didn’t have working AC.
  50. Autumn is my favorite season.Autumn Cozy : Photo:

Writing Prompt: Current Relationship Status…

Oh how I just love talking about my non existent love life…. Well here goes let’s talk about relationships… of which I have none. At 25 years of age I can honestly say I’ve never been in a “real relationship.”

At the moment I’m talking to a guy, who I’ve been talking to on and off for about 6 years. As much as I hate when people say “it’s complicated…” well… it’s complicated…

I care a good deal for him. While things between us are better than they’ve ever been, he always seems to find a way to make me walk away. I wish I could say that the problems have been resolved…improved slightly… but not resolved. What can I say maybe I’m delusional…Maybe I want for it to work so badly that I keep making excuses and forgiving too easily.

We are a lot alike he and I. Which is why it’s understandable that I get so frustrated with him. We are both guarded, with reinforced walls keeping people from getting too close…seeing too much. The difference being I’m ready for commitment, I don’t want games, I want to find someone to make a life with.

I think commitment scares him…hell it scares me too.

He recently told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he didn’t want me to have to deal with him when he’s “broken.” Referring to certain issues he is dealing with in his life. If that statement is true then it’s incredibly sweet…but also frustrating. There will always be something in our lives we are dealing with, something that could be used as an excuse.

Now I’ve known him a while and I know he is dealing with a few things…but so am I…so is everyone…

I can see that he knows he needs to make changes but there’s something holding him back. Fear of leaving a job to find one he’s passionate about. Fear of disappointing people. He’s trying to pay off a debt which he uses as a reason for putting off going back to school.

He won’t say it but he definitely struggles with low self-esteem and I believe depression. He often tells me he’s a horrible person and argues when I tell him otherwise. He can’t forgive himself for mistakes he’s made and he’s too harsh on himself.

I can only hope that I can help him overcome his demons. After six years of getting to know him and forming an attachment I can’t imagine just calling it quits. But if something doesn’t give I’m afraid I will have to move on. I sincerely hope that doesn’t have to happen.

So there you have it…I know that if this was someone else’s story I would be internally screaming at her to move on with her life…I’d tell her if he’s not fighting to keep you then it’s time to find someone who will.

 

Adult Tonsillectomy

tonsils

I should have written this sooner but I figured better late than never, so here I am sharing my Tonsillectomy experience. Last Novemberish I had gone to see a Sleep Medicine doctor because I pretty much knew (and everyone constantly told me) I had sleep apnea. I did…side note, he was an arrogant asshole… Moving on… he told me at that appointment that I had “enlarged tonsils” and recommended I see an Ears, nose an throat doctor about it.

Being the stubborn hard-head I am, I put it off until basically my family had just drove me crazy insisting. On April 5th I met with the Otolaryngologist aka Ears Nose and Throat Specialist. Now believe me I was dreading this appointment. Every person I had talked to who was an adult when they had their tonsils taken out had told me it was absolutely awful.

The doctor was very nice and professional but he definitely didn’t sugar coat anything. He made it very clear that I would experience a good deal of pain. My boss who had it done at the same age said he would rather have the steel rod put back in his leg than have his tonsils taken out…thanks boss man for the reassurance! XD

By the end of the appointment he had me scheduled for surgery on the 18th…he sure didn’t waste any time… which I guess I’m glad, less time to psych myself out.

My experience was sort of different then what the “norm” is I guess. Due to me having severe obstructive sleep apnea he wanted me to stay overnight for observation. This meant that I had my surgery at the Hospital instead of the Surgery Center at the Clinic. I have never had surgery before…never had an IV…never stayed in a hospital… So my anxiety level was off the charts.

Before the surgery I made plans to stay with my grandparents, due the the doctor advising I stay with someone. I had my Australian Shepherd boarded, the little Chorkie came along since he’s more portable and my grandma just likes him better because he’s tiny.

I had to be at the hospital at 9:45 and the surgery wasn’t scheduled until 11:45. We get there and get all signed in and go to pre-op. Considering what I knew was coming, I was pretty calm. To be honest I was more on edge about the IV then the actual surgery. (I have an issue with veins…not blood…veins…I know I’m weird)

When the time came to get the ball rolling I had 2 nurses and a nursing student. Which if I learned anything from Grays Anatomy it’s not to trust someone in training lol. She asked if I was ok with her doing my IV… I wasn’t but for the sake of education I agreed. To her credit she did a good job, I didn’t feel a thing. Unfortunately I had a bum vein or something in that hand so they had to re-do it in my other hand. This time the Nurse did it and again I didn’t feel a thing.

It was pretty humorous because I had told them how freaked out I was about the IV so the second nurse was asking me all sorts of random questions to keep me distracted. I was very impressed with these ladies.

Once they were done the doctor came in and talked a little bit about how things were going to proceed and then the anesthesiologist went over some things with me… My grandma was quick to comment on how young they were… I think she had a crush on the surgeon haha.

We just sat there and waited for a while before someone came to take me to the surgery room. Ironically she had gone to school with my sister and since my sister and I look a lot alike (according to everyone else) she knew who I was. Which was kind of nice because we were able to chat on the way and again keep me distracted.

The surgery room was as intimidating as I expected it to be. Bright and packed with big probey, scary looking equipment. Also there were like 5 people in there, which to me is way too many. I was already feeling super self conscious and awkward. I had on zero makeup, I was in nothing but the ugly hospital issued gown and I had my hair tucked up into one of those net cappy things. Luckily for me…again…all of those ladies were great. They asked me about myself and exchanged corny jokes while they were getting things ready. I did sort of freak for a few seconds when the one woman put the oxygen mask over my mouth and nose. It sort of took my breath away and I kind of panicked, fortunately that only lasted a couple seconds. The assistant anesthesiologist explained what was going to happen, she would administer the anesthesia liquid stuff through the IV and that it may sting… I didn’t know she was already doing it though, so all of a sudden I could feel the liquid come through the IV and I had time to say “Yeah that definitely stings” and that was it…lights out… And that stuff did sting, thank goodness I was out quickly!

When I woke up I was getting wheeled into the recovery room and the nurse was telling me I was out of surgery and everything went well. Now I was still pretty groggy and I couldn’t talk because apparently they had numbed my vocal chords or something. But the nurse was like “ok, I’m going to take this tube out of your nose” THE HELL YOU ARE!!! I didn’t even know I had a tube in my nose. Good thing I couldn’t talk because I would have said that aloud. Before I had time to react she was pulling it out…That was the worst feeling…ugh even in EMT Training that’s one thing that made me cringe was when we practicing inserting the Nasopharyngeal airway tubes on the dummy. Something about it just bothers me.

I was in recovery for 45 minutes I think, apparently they require at least that long. At that point my pain was at a 3, my main complaint was my tongue hurt and was like dried out and felt awful. The nurse gave me some ice though and after a while it was no longer an issue, she also gave me something for pain and after that I was feeling pretty good…all things considered.

Once I made it to my room, I was able to talk better but the drugs must have really kicked in because I quickly fell asleep and slept pretty solid for about 2 hours. For dinner they brought quite the spread. Pureed Cream of Chicken Soup, thinned mashed potatoes, vanilla ice cream, vanilla pudding, an ensure drink, cranberry juice, iced tea and hot tea. Most people always suggest cold food like ice cream and Popsicle’s but they hurt my throat. The warm (not hot) soup was the best option, followed by the hot tea (it had cooled significantly) which I added some sweetener to.

That night I (per doctors orders) had to sleep with my bi-pap machine. Which while I had one I never used it. I mean come on I am a single 25 year old woman… a bi pap is not exactly attractive. (Do not take this the wrong way, it’s not like men are frequenting my bed chambers lol) Anyway back to the story, that was not  enjoyable at all. It was the oxygen mask experience all over again… Except this time that sucker was blasting out air. It was like when you walk outside and the air takes your breath away… except it was every time I put it on and every time the seal broke. Which it did often because when I swallowed it hurt so bad I would scrunch my face up… breaking the seal. Plus I had the thing all strapped on and the damn phone rang and I couldn’t get the mask off in time to answer…. I think I got at most 2 hours of sleep.

In the morning they brought me a breakfast of chocolate ice cream, Greek yogurt, cream of wheat, orange juice, milk, ensure and hot tea. I had a couple of spoon fulls of cream of wheat and some of the yogurt but that’s about it. My pain was between a 5 and 6 at this point, bearable but not enjoyable at all.

The surgeon came and checked on me about 8 and they discharged me just after 9am.

My grandma had come to get me and we went to Walmart to get my prescription and some Children’s Ibuprofen. Of course I forgot to bring my insurance prescription card, and without it I was going to have to pay $80. So I had to call my insurance….that was fun, with no voice and severe pain when I tried to talk… I ended up just handing the phone to the pharmacy worker. Luckily she got the info and I only had to pay $10. That whole interaction wasn’t even the worst part of that Walmart experience…Worst of all was the fact that I had broke my cardinal rule of never wearing pj pants in public…but at least they were black, without holes or stains.

The first few days after surgery weren’t too bad, as long as I kept up with my medicine. Obviously talking and swallowing hurt, it felt like when you have strep throat but magnified. Nights were the worst, I made the mistake of sleeping through the alarm I had set to take medicine…BIG MISTAKE…after that I stuck to the schedule. Word of advice to anyone having this done, it’s a good idea to keep track of when you take your meds. I set alarms every 4 hours to remind me.

It may not be what you want to hear if you are having this done but the pain does gradually get worse. The first few days for me weren’t that bad but it did progressively escalate. Today is day 12 and I think I’m getting close to being back to normal and it’s my second day back at work. Today was the first day I had “normal” food. Meaning I didn’t have to blend food or have liquids. I had some popcorn chicken and boy did it taste good after 12 days of soup and mashed potatoes.

In summary I will say that it was not as bad as I was expecting it to be. Either I was given better meds or I’m just a total bad-ass lol. Either way it wasn’t a fun experience and I envy those who had theirs taken out when they were kids.

 

 

Halfway there…

Today I went to my third appointment for my supervised diet. Words cannot even express how excited I am to know I’m getting closer and closer to my new life. For those who don’t know or whose process is different. My insurance (Blue Cross Blue Shield- Anthem) requires six consecutive months on a medically supervised diet. I know every insurance provider is different and even surgeons require certain things before WLS.

My primary insurance will not touch Bariatric Surgery, luckily I am blessed enough to still be covered on my dads insurance until I’m 26 and they do cover the surgery. Of course his deductible and out of pocket is considerably higher than my primary insurance provider but hey you won’t hear me complain. It’s still way cheaper then paying full price.

Even though the weather today was just a continuous torrential downpour I gladly braved the storm to make it to my appointment.

As far as the supervised diet is concerned it hasn’t been great. Of course I keep running into roadblocks, but I’m trying not to make excuses for myself. April has been a little tough keeping up with exercising and eating healthy. I switched to nights at work so I work 6pm to 6am. I think anyone who works night shift probably understands the struggle to eat healthy. Also on the 18th I had my tonsils taken out… (I will make a whole other post on that nightmare). But somehow the day after surgery I weighed myself and had gained two pounds… I didn’t and still don’t know how that’s possible considering all I’d eaten was chicken broth. Who knows, but luckily I lost that plus a few pounds before today. Whew!

Hopefully the next three months go quickly and smoothly!

 

 

My VSG Journey is beginning!

I finally have the ball rolling on my VSG Journey!!!

For those of you who do not know what VSG is it stands for Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. It is a type of weight loss surgery where they remove a large portion of your stomach. You are left with a smaller stomach, about the size of a banana. Which ultimately limits the amount of food you can eat at one time and making you feel full.

I have struggled with my weight my ENTIRE life, I’ve never not been big. I kept telling myself I’d lose the weight but here I am almost 25 and haven’t lost anything.

I’m not ready, emotionally or mentally to start talking numbers. Once I’m further into the process I may be more willing to reveal my weight and pant size and such.

Monday, February the 20th I have my first consultation with my surgeon. I am excited beyond words, but also nervous because I know that he could still turn me down for the surgery. I can’t even let myself think of that possibility now.

Weight loss surgery was not something I ever even thought about before, I never saw it as an option. I always associated it with the TLC “My 600 lb life” and assumed you had to be to that point in order to consider it. It wasn’t until a You tuber that I follow put out a video saying she had had VSG Surgery that I got to thinking about it. She is younger than I am and was no where near as heavy as me.

I started looking into it and reading blogs/watching Youtube vidoes on people who’ve had it. And without me knowing anything about it, my uncle had it done. Seeing how successful he has been with it and all that he is able to do now has pretty well set my mind.

This has already been a stressful, scary and nerve wracking journey. Please pray for me/think happy thoughts for me, especially Monday when I meet with my surgeon. I’ve never been so certain or determined to do something in my life.