Saying Good Riddance…

If you are anything like me then you know how hard it is to cut people out of your life, even if said people have been horrible to you.

Well, in the past week I’ve said goodbyes to two separate people. One was slightly harder than the other but both were difficult in their own ways.

The first was a guy I had started talking to online only really due to the fact that I knew his older brother. He himself was a couple years younger than me and I didn’t really see anything coming of the initial conversation other than possibly friendship.

We decided to meet up one night and just hang out, and I was thrown off by how sweet he was at the beginning. He seemed genuinely interested in me and my life. He was always asking questions and wanted to know to get to know me, which was definitely not something I was used to from guys. After that first night things sort of just took off.

The two of us spent quite a lot of time together, he would come over to my house and I would drive into town and we would drive around. I had (much to my surprise) really started to like him.

That’s of course when things started to unwind. He slowly became a little more distant, not texting as much and not wanting to hang out. And without any warning or reason why he just stopped talking to me all together….story of my life.

Like always I went through the phases of sadness, and anger. Then finally I picked myself up and did my best to forget and move on. A couple of months passed and he messaged me out of the blue. It’s also important that you know I had deleted him from Facebook so I was surprised to get a message from him on there.

He started talking about “old times” and not even a day passed before he decided to take the conversation to a completely inappropriate place…especially considering he was now in a relationship with someone else. He constantly wanted me to send him pictures and asked what I was wearing. Then of course it got even more inappropriate… I’ll leave it at that.

I sort of gently told him that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him that way since he had a girlfriend. So he lost interest and stopped talking to me…

Over the past year we had a handful of conversations all going about the same way. The most recent being this past week. When I finally told him I was no longer going to be the “spare girl” which guys just keep around for when they are lonely and horny.

I decided that the only way to solve the problem was to cut him out of my life completely, so I told him that. I told him that what he was doing was wrong and I no longer wanted to be a part of it, that I felt sorry for his girlfriend that he was talking to other girls that way…And then I blocked him…before he could even respond. I did this because I knew if I didn’t he would come up with something elaborate to keep me around.

So that’s numero uno.

The second person I have written about before. We have talked on and off for 6 years. When we are together in person it’s great or at least seems that way. But I seemed to be the only one interested in making it work. I would drive to see him, I would start the conversations and keep them going.

He always said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he was not stable enough for  a relationship or he wasn’t financially stable enough.

After hearing all his excuses for 6 years I decided if someone actually cares about you as much as he said he did then they would MAKE IT WORK… It wouldn’t matter what the circumstances are, they would fight for you…

I told him this….And all he could say was “Well I do care about you, I don’t want this to be the end but if you ever need anything let me know…” The emptiest “kind words” I had ever heard. There was no fight…

Me leaving didn’t shatter him…to be honest I don’t think it even phased him.

I could tell you in great detail all that happened in this “relationship” but quite frankly it’s exhausting.

Long story short… I cared about him..Deeply. I think I may have even loved him. But I realized that he didn’t feel the same and I was nothing more than a listening ear to him…

I’ve cried my tears, I’ve mourned the loss and now it’s time to move on.

 

I honestly don’t know where the strength came from to cut these people out of my life with such finality. I can only say that I’m proud of myself, I’ve finally made myself a priority… I can only hope that other girls do the same.

 

 

 

 

 

Writing Prompt: Current Relationship Status…

Oh how I just love talking about my non existent love life…. Well here goes let’s talk about relationships… of which I have none. At 25 years of age I can honestly say I’ve never been in a “real relationship.”

At the moment I’m talking to a guy, who I’ve been talking to on and off for about 6 years. As much as I hate when people say “it’s complicated…” well… it’s complicated…

I care a good deal for him. While things between us are better than they’ve ever been, he always seems to find a way to make me walk away. I wish I could say that the problems have been resolved…improved slightly… but not resolved. What can I say maybe I’m delusional…Maybe I want for it to work so badly that I keep making excuses and forgiving too easily.

We are a lot alike he and I. Which is why it’s understandable that I get so frustrated with him. We are both guarded, with reinforced walls keeping people from getting too close…seeing too much. The difference being I’m ready for commitment, I don’t want games, I want to find someone to make a life with.

I think commitment scares him…hell it scares me too.

He recently told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he didn’t want me to have to deal with him when he’s “broken.” Referring to certain issues he is dealing with in his life. If that statement is true then it’s incredibly sweet…but also frustrating. There will always be something in our lives we are dealing with, something that could be used as an excuse.

Now I’ve known him a while and I know he is dealing with a few things…but so am I…so is everyone…

I can see that he knows he needs to make changes but there’s something holding him back. Fear of leaving a job to find one he’s passionate about. Fear of disappointing people. He’s trying to pay off a debt which he uses as a reason for putting off going back to school.

He won’t say it but he definitely struggles with low self-esteem and I believe depression. He often tells me he’s a horrible person and argues when I tell him otherwise. He can’t forgive himself for mistakes he’s made and he’s too harsh on himself.

I can only hope that I can help him overcome his demons. After six years of getting to know him and forming an attachment I can’t imagine just calling it quits. But if something doesn’t give I’m afraid I will have to move on. I sincerely hope that doesn’t have to happen.

So there you have it…I know that if this was someone else’s story I would be internally screaming at her to move on with her life…I’d tell her if he’s not fighting to keep you then it’s time to find someone who will.

 

Doing the “deed”

Here goes nothing…or at least I’m going to try… I’ve decided that therapy is too expensive and I need some way to vent. So if you’re reading this then “winner winner chicken dinner” and also I apologize in advance for the absolute B.S. that is about to unfold.

I’ve decided to share my pathetic, depressing and absolutely ridiculous experiences with the opposite sex…

Before we dive into this horse shit, I should probably tell you a bit about myself. Or at least what I feel may be relevant to the story.

Growing up I was not necessarily a “goody two shoes” but I did sort of plan on not having sex until I was married or at least until I was in a “legit” relationship.  And comparing to most people I’d say I did pretty well on holding out.

So let’s go to that night, where everything just went straight to hell. It was ironically…and awfully…enough, Valentine’s day of 2014 I was a month away from turning 22.

That day my parents told us they needed to talk to us kids and called the 4 of us together to meet. Long story short my step mother told us she wanted a divorce…After 19 years of marriage… I’m not going to even go into this story, it’s a whole mess in and of itself.

Anyway, it sort of threw me for a loop. I was mad and confused and didn’t really know how to process it.

At the time I worked at a hotel and my friend was working the front desk so I went and just hung out with her.

Now for the past few months there had been almost 30 welders staying at the hotel. And my friend is crazy, and flirty and just a hot mess. So she talked me into going out to the bar with a bunch of the welders that night.

There was one guy that I had been talking to in particular from among st them. He was older and actually acknowledged me.

So we went out and well you know how it goes, I got absolutely shit faced and well one thing led to another and I ended up having my first kiss and losing my “V” all on the same night….lame.

About a month or so later all the welders moved to a different city a few hours away, and the guy I had been with went back to Texas where he was from…..to his wife…. No I did not know that he was married….and yes I felt like a piece of shit homewrecker…. what compounded the shittyness was the fact that just before he left I caught my step mother screwing a guy in my apartment….mind you, both she and her man whore were BOTH STILL MARRIED… So the fact that I had slept with a married man, even unknowingly, made me feel like the scum of the earth….

Fantastic….