Mother’s Day without Mom

I’ve been trying to think of ways to address the topic, and I still don’t know if there is a “good” way…so I’ll just let it out the best I can.

Every year on Mother’s Day some of us are faced with the difficult task of celebrating Mother’s when ours is no longer here. Whether she has been gone for one year or thirty, you don’t stop missing her.

My mother passed away when I was two years old of Brain Cancer. June 17 1994 was the day she slipped away. Being as I was so young, I do not remember a single thing about her. I spent my whole life wishing I could remember something…anything about her. It’s difficult when everyone tells me how much I look and act like her and not know enough to agree or disagree.

Growing up without her affected me more than even I think it maybe should have. Then again that may be due to the fact that some people feel that having no memories of someone means you shouldn’t care or think about them at all. One person in particular (I’ll keep out names) hated that I thought so much about my mom. She even made a comment to me once in my teen years…”You didn’t know her, why does it bother you so much”….

Well let me tell you why it bothers me…I feel cheated…I feel like the most influential person in any persons life is their mother and mine was taken from me…Taken from me before I even got to know her. It bothers me because I don’t have and never will have memories of her. I don’t know the sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume, the sound of her approaching footsteps. All I have is memories collected from photographs, keepsakes and other family members.

I’ve lost many people in my 25 years on this earth, grief and sorrow are not new to me. When I was 16 my grandpa passed away and I still don’t know how I survived that loss. But it felt/feels different…I have memories with him. I can take some comfort in the fact that he lived a long life.

My mom was 25 when she died, the same age I am now. She had a husband and 3 young kids. She had only just started her life…she missed out on her kids growing up…she won’t get to see her grandchildren. She won’t get to grown old with the love of her life…There is no comfort in that…

I hate the expression “You can’t miss what you never had…” Believe me, you can….

Growing up no one talked about my mom. My dad remarried and I guess everyone knew it bothered my stepmom. So we all just kept thoughts of her bottled up. When I was about 7 or 8 I made the mistake of asking my grandma what she was like. After hearing the crack in her voice I decided I would not do that again.

I struggle everyday thinking of everything she has missed and will be absent from in future.

She was not there for my high school dances to help me get ready, I wasn’t able to give her a rose at my graduation, she couldn’t help me move into my college dorm. She won’t be there on my wedding day, she will never hold her grandchildren or watch them grow.

My loss is no greater or worse than anyone else’s, I just want others in similar situations to know that they are not alone. And that we grieve just like anyone else.

All I can do is hope that my mom is looking down on us and that she knows just how much she is loved and missed.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mothers whether they be on Earth or in Heaven.

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